Thursday, June 7, 2012

Time To Re-Focus

So, I have lost the 30 lbs but still have 23 more to lose to be in a healthy BMI range.  As much as I would like to weigh what I did when I graduated high school, realistically after kids, my body is just not THAT skinny anymore.  ***Sigh***.  I started at 203, weigh 173 and have a healthy BMI goal of 150.

My body started changing shape when I gained 90 lbs with my first pregnancy.  I started at 140 and ended at 230 on my 5'6" frame.  This was really the start of total out of control being fat for me.  I was 29 when I got pregnant the first time--for those of you doing the math on me being a grandma, my older kids are by marriage;) I am 43 now so that is 14 years of weight struggles.  I am tired of struggling with weight.  I am tired of the havoc it has wreaked on my health.  Most of all and most shallowly I will openly admit that I really just want to look better.  I don't like being fat, but it is so very hard to jump off the fat bandwagon.   I am getting there.  I'm glad I was able to jump off even if it took a 3 day post heart attack stay in the ICU to get me there. I know me better than anyone else and I can tell you that I don't always like what I know about me.  I know that if I had not had the heart attack, I'd still be on the fat bandwagon.  Blessings come in odd packages sometimes!!

Right now, I am stalled.  I have lost the 30 lbs but have not lost anymore.  On the flip side, my body is changing shape from all of the walking.  I still loathe it, the exercise.  Perhaps this is why I didn't stay skinny bitch after high school--and I was a skinny little thing!  I just really, really loathe exercising.  Once I am doing it, it feels good and I feel great after.  It is the actually getting started.  I have been walking 3 miles 4-5 times a week for some time now.  I will get there, it is just so frustratingly slow!

If you follow my blog, you know several things about me including the fact that I am now vegan and the fact that I struggle with my last vice which is caffeine (coffee and soda).  I have been feeling stuck and found this the other day:  Stuck In A Rut.  I read it and it was like hitting me over the head with a hammer.  Just because you are vegan does not automatically make your diet healthy.  I have let oil seep back into my diet and have been eating more crackers and bread than I should.  It is time to re-focus and put the overwhelming amount of veggies back into my diet.  I started doing that on Monday.  Now, to just give up the soda:).

We are at a 10 week countdown to my high school reunion which of course is my main motivator currently.  I am so excited to see everyone and excited not to be fat and sick when I go!  Mostly, glad that I am not a person that people will pity because "she is so young to have all those health problems."

I had all of my tests yesterday and don't think I am actually glowing from the radioactive dye that they injected me with!  They went very well.  I have had so much anxiety over these tests and over the lack of knowing where my heart health stands that I haven't been able to sleep. I am so excited that they did not cart me off to the OR and crack my chest open yesterday after the treadmill portion of the testing.  This was my large fear as I got to the hospital yesterday.  I slept so soundly last night even though I don't have the actual results back.  I just needed some reassurance that I am not going to keel of another heart attack right now and not going to the OR helped:)

Here's to getting out of the rut this week, the renewed energy it brings and not keeling of another heart attack!!!

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