Monday, September 23, 2013
I AM Strong Enough to Live It!
Someone posted this picture to Facebook last night and now I can't even remember who. I suppose that is the cholesterol drug side effect of not being able to remember. At least I blame my forgetfulness on that because it is convenient to do so! Really, being 44, oh so close to 45 at this point and super busy could possibly be the other reason but I still blame it on the cholesterol medication! I have thought about this statement all day. Every time I have had a meeting to hammer out issues today, every time I wondered if I pulled a muscle in my back or if that is a sign of another heart attack I have thought about it. Whatever my issue was today, I thought about this. Time after time since my heart attack I wonder who in the hell handed me this life and why in the hell they thought I was strong enough to live it.
Perhaps I was given this life because I am strong enough to live it. Of course I suppose part of that is my fault as it is not a huge surprise that I grab the injustice of an early massive heart attack by the horns and wrestle with it publicly. Perhaps the one that hands out these lives knows this about me. Perhaps they knew I would just be pissed enough that this happened to me that I would shout it from every corner of the internet and tell every person that asks so that no one else has to do this.
Perhaps the one that hands out these lives sends the precious ones of you that follow my journey and guides you to send me inspirational messages on my worst days. The days that I am so tired of having heart disease and dealing with all the bullshit it entails. On those days, a day much like today, I usually come home to a message from someone I have known for thirty years telling me they got help and they are ok because of everything I write. On my days when I haven't slept because I was afraid I might not wake up, one of you that reads this or follows me on Facebook reminds me why I was given this life. On my worst days because of this life, I am also the most grateful for this life. I am grateful for you that read this be you my closest friend or total stranger for letting me know that I have made a difference in the way you choose to live your life, or that I have made a difference in your decision to seek medical care.
I suppose in some weird demented way , I am actually grateful to the one that hands out these lives. So, thank you whoever you are that hands out these lives for this life (even though there are days I secretly hate you). Thank you for giving me the chance to make the difference in someones decision to call an ambulance. Thank you for allowing me to be in the back of the minds of those that are trying desperately to ignore medical symptoms that they really know they shouldn't ignore. Most of all, thank you for showing me that I am indeed strong enough to live the life you gave me.